Could your presence be making sleep harder?
Could Your Presence Be Making Sleep Harder?
Have you ever tried everything to help your little one sleep - rocking, shushing, cuddling, singing, pacing the hallway… and they just keep crying. Until you step away for a moment and suddenly, they settle?
It’s a situation I see all the time in my work with families and one I experienced myself recently. As a sleep consultant (and a mum!), I know how counterintuitive this sounds. We’re told we are the answer to everything our babies and toddlers need. But what if, sometimes, our well-meaning presence is actually making sleep harder?
Let me explain.
Our own experience: when presence made things worse
Not long ago, we’d had a lovely but long day out at the Royal International Air Tattoo. Thanks to my husband’s job, we got to enjoy the VIP section! We knew it would be a late night, so we did what many parents do, got the kids completely ready for bed before the long drive home, hoping for a smooth transfer to bed.
Only... it wasn’t.
Our 3-year-old woke up in a complete state. He was beside himself, crying hysterically, thrashing about, unable to calm down. We tried everything: cuddling, rocking, singing his favourite song, even showing him our phones (which I definitely don’t recommend). Nothing worked.
Eventually, overwhelmed and triggered myself, I put him in bed and told him I needed the toilet and would be back in a minute. I walked away.
Within 60 seconds, he was completely calm. By the time I returned, he was fast asleep.
Why did that work?
Because he was overtired. He didn’t need more stimulation or help. He needed space. Our attempts to help were actually too much for him and were preventing him from getting what he really needed - sleep.
This doesn’t mean he didn’t feel safe or loved. It just means that sometimes, less is more.
But doesn’t crying mean they need me?
This is the hardest part. Crying feels like a distress signal. And sometimes, it is. But not always.
Babies and toddlers cry when they’re tired, frustrated, confused, overstimulated… It’s a form of communication, not always a cry for help. When we assume every cry means they need us right there, right then, we may inadvertently prevent them from learning to wind down on their own.
It’s important to understand your child’s cues. You likely already know the difference between a tired grumble, a frustration cry and a true distress cry. That frustrated, whiny cry? It could be them working through the last bit of energy before sleep and be their way of settling themself. My son used to grumble himself to sleep every night. Not a proper cry at all, just a low rumbly cry which was his way of soothing himself to sleep.
How many times has your baby been pushing against you like they are trying to get out of your arms... that may well be them trying to show that they need some space.
The myth of “no crying” sleep support
I’ve seen a lot of advice online promising “gentle” and “no crying” sleep support. And while there are absolutely gentle approaches to sleep (I use them all the time with clients!), it’s simply not realistic, or honest, to guarantee no tears.
If your little one is used to a certain sleep pattern or way of being soothed, changes will feel frustrating at first. That frustration often comes out as tears and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means they’re adjusting.
When your presence is too stimulating
Here’s another way your presence might be getting in the way of sleep: for some children, seeing you there is like dangling a carrot they can’t reach. They’re tired, but they see you and they want to play, talk or just be with you.
For these children, your well-meaning efforts to “stay close” can actually wind them up more. A bit of space may be the exact thing they need to calm their bodies and minds enough to fall asleep.
It’s not rejection. It’s just how they process stimulation.
But what about attachment?
Giving your little one space to settle does not damage your attachment. In fact, it can strengthen it.
Secure attachment isn’t about never leaving their side. It’s about responding sensitively and consistently over time. When you tune into what your child actually needs (even if that’s a few minutes alone), you’re supporting their emotional development, not harming it.
There is no evidence to suggest that sleep coaching done with warmth and boundaries harms attachment. In fact, helping your child learn how to sleep well is a huge gift to them and to you. It can actually boost their confidence as well.
What there is evidence for though, is the need for sleep both for your little one and yourself. If the whole family is getting the sleep you all need, it will be a much happier, healthier family all round.
So what can you do?
If sleep has become a battleground and you find yourself constantly involved in helping your child drift off, it might be time to try something different.
Here are some gentle ways to begin:
⭐ Observe their signals - are they fussing because they’re tired or because they need comfort?
⭐ Try stepping out - give them 2–3 minutes before returning. You may be surprised by what happens. The same goes for any wakes through the night, wait a couple of minutes before going in as they may be able to settle themselves.
⭐ Review their routine - having a simple bedtime routine can really help your little one know what to expect at bedtime. It provides comfort for children to know what is going to happen. Here is a link to a free simple bedtime routine which can be used from birth.
⭐ Ensure they’re not overtired or undertired - emotions will be much higher at bedtime if your little one is over tired or simply not tired enough to sleep. Check out my free guide for understanding your child’s sleep requirements.
⭐ Set consistent boundaries - having consistent boundaries helps children feel secure and know what is and isn't allowed at bedtime.
Need support?
If you're unsure how to make changes or what your child really needs, I offer a free 15-minute call where we can chat about what's going on. There’s no pressure, just a listening ear and some guidance.
Still worried about leaving them?
That’s okay. This isn’t about abandoning your child, it’s about finding what actually helps them sleep. For some, that might be more presence. For others, it might be a little space. This is why when I work with clients, I get to know the little one before creating a sleep plan because they may need more parental support than others.
Either way, you’re still a loving, present and amazing parent!
More support
⭐ There are instantly downloadable guides in my Sleep Support Library
⭐ Download any of my free guides to join my mailing list where I share information regarding sleep for 0-6 year olds and details of any new services.
⭐ Follow along on Instagram or Facebook for tips and real-life stories.
Sleep doesn’t need to be a struggle. You deserve rest too.
If this resonated with you, share it with a friend or drop me a message, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Take care,
Flic x
www.creatingdreams.co.uk
